I won’t be here.
That’s right, I’ll be letting this blog lie fallow until Monday, April 4th, at which point I will return with regular updates.
As for why I won’t be here, I have my reasons, and one of them is that I can’t handle yet another year of forced April Fools posts from the cycling media.
Yes, it’s a fake press release for a product that’s only slightly sillier than the stuff we read about the rest of the year, we get it.
Speaking of silly products, here’s your 50 millionth reminder to pre-order my new book while I’m gone:
SPOILER ALERT: Humanity is destroyed by our dependence on fossil fuels and a mutated race of hyper-intelligent lizards reigns supreme.
And now, I’m pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you’re right you’ll win a million dollars (though it will be taxed at a rate of 100% so you will receive a check for $0.00), and if you’re wrong you’ll see crossing wheels.
Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and see you back here on April 4th!
–Wildcat Rock Machine
1) What kind of bird is this?
—A common crane
—A great blue heron
—An intermediate egret
—It’s not a bird at all, it’s a Yonkers water rat
Plantiff(s) voluntarily performed and engaged in the alleged activity and assumed the risk of the injuries and/or damages claimed. Plaintiff(s) failed to use all required, proper, appropriate and reasonable safety devices and/or equipment and failed to take all proper, appropriate and reasonable steps to assure his/her/their safety … Plaintiff(s)’ implied assumption of risk caused or contributed, in whole or in part [sic] to his/her/their injuries.
2) What was Plaintiff(s) doing?
3) Fake bike riding computer game Zwift has added:
(It’s back…or is it?)
4) What is “Bimp’Air?”
—A new suspension fork for fat bikes
—A self-refilling compressed air canister that mounts to your bike
—Shimano’s new compressed air shifting system
—Like regular air, only 20% lighter
5) It helps to know your rights.
6) Just kidding, you have no rights.
(“Oh, oh, oh, Femke’s cryin’…”)
7) Why is Femke crying?
—Her ban extends to artistic cycling, the discipline to which she had intended to transition
—She’s not; the tears belong to her friend who was crying and they accidentally fell on her face
—The food she’s eating is spicy
—Even though she was the obvious choice, Specialized did not hire her to help promote their new Playboy e-bike with Sexism Drive™ technology
***Special Unsolicited Safety Advice From A Massive Fred-Themed Bonus Video!***
(Contains NSFW language.)
Oh, go stick it in your ear.