Maybe technology really will save us.


For thousands of years, cyclists have longed to be able to communicate directly with the creatures who inhabit the motorized death boxes that terrorize our streets.  Oh sure, we’ve used our voices, middle fingers, and occasionally u-locks to great effect.  However, none of these can truly penetrate the sheet metal in which the typical motoring moron is encased.

But not anymore!  For thanks to recent advances in technology, we now have the AXA Smart Bell (or at least a video for it):

We’ve seen the word “innovative” bandied about in the bicycle industry for far too long.  Yes, every misshapen crabon tube or new decal color(way) is hailed as an innovation.  But this?  This is something that warrants the appellation:

In fact, it just may be the biggest innovation in bikes since the wheel.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “This is just one of those stupid smartphone bells, isn’t it?”

(“Look!  Now my phone’s a bell that can run run out of batteries!”)

Nope.  If we’re to believe the video–and Sweet Lobster on High really, really, really want to believe it–what this allows you to do is ring the bell:

Which then travels to a box directly under your scranus and/or vulvanus:

And is in turn broadcast inside the car next to you:

Right through the sound system!!!

I’m sorry, I’m all choked up.

I have to stop and dry my eyes.

Thank you.

Anyway, do you know what this means?  It means we’re now this close [indicates tiny distance with fingers] to being able to infiltrate drivers’ cabins with our voices and say to them whatever we want.  Just imagine the possibilities:

–“I’m on your right;’
–“You’re violating my right-of-way;”
–“Please look up from your phone;”
–“Where did you get your driver’s license, your own asshole?”
–“Get fucked, you frumunda cheese-eating piece of crap!”

In fact, it’s entirely conceivable you might need to utilize each of these in that exact order in the course of a typical interaction.

And just imagine how amazing it would be to use this on people in the bike lane:

A “new way of communication?”  Now that’s an understatement:

This could conceivably give us the near-telepathic ability to berate people with the most vile insults we can muster.

Of course, as an aging bike blogger I know nothing about so-called RDS technology so I don’t know if you can really make it do any of that, but I’m assuming these clever millennials with their fixies and their hack-a-thons can make it happen.

This gives me hope for the future.